Julian's Blanket.

 When I lost my first daughter, Sofia, I turned to crochet to process my grief and create something beautiful, in the hopes that a little sibling someday would be able to use it. I made it in honor of her, but not FOR her. I still ached to create something, even if that "something" was no longer going to be my child. It was a way to stumble out of the darkness of losing a very wanted baby. 

When I was pregnant for the second time, I began knitting a blanket to use for our pregnancy announcement. It was a pretty light green, and it would have a delightfully "hilly" texture. We'd arrange a rainbow on top of it alongside an ultrasound picture, and make the announcement on St. Patrick's Day.

I lost that pregnancy a week before announcing.

I hadn't finished the blanket at that point, and had made a mistake several rows back anyway, so I unwound the yarn and rolled it back up. It was heartbreaking to take apart a project meant to announce the "knitting together" of another baby. To be put into a corner until I felt strong enough to knit the blanket again, weaving new hopes of yet another younger sibling into the fibers.

With Julian's blanket, I began and completed the blanket about two months before he died. This was my most intricate pattern yet, and it felt so special to have something to work on as the weeks passed. I had a subchorionic bleed during the pregnancy (I've had them with each pregnancy so far) and, desperate to keep him safe and alive, put myself on modified bedrest for several days. Crocheting during those boring hours was one of the only ways I was able to keep calm. 

I wanted a classic, gender neutral, vintage vibe for this blanket. I chose the Adeline baby blanket pattern from Ravelry, used Loops & Threads Baby Rainbow yarn in Lemon, and Bernat Softee in White. 

It worked up relatively quickly, and it was easy enough that I was able to fall into a rhythm without really needing to think about it. The lace rows were kind of tedious, but the overall effect made it worth it!

I intended to make a layette set with the remaining yarn- I was thinking booties, a hat, and a sweet little cardigan. He was due in January so I thought it would be nice to have something warm to welcome him home in, and I'm a sucker for vintage baby things (which is probably one of the reasons why I'm so in love with crocheting). 

The scalloped edges were my favorite part of the process- not JUST because it meant I was almost done! It's so much fun to pile a bunch of stitches into one space and watch them take shape. I did a much better job this time around than I did the very first time I did a scalloped edge: I needed to be better about counting my rows and stitches so it didn't turn out so wonky, but to be fair, the first time I attempted a scalloped edge I had only made one other blanket before. (Have I learned my lesson re: counting my rows & stitches to make sure it's accurate? Remains to be seen.)

This is the daintiest, laciest thing I've made thus far and I'm so proud of it. There's not a thing I'd change about the blanket itself, but I sure wish I had my son Julian to look forward to. I can't really describe the feeling of having something that was very specifically meant to be for someone to use, but before you can give it to them it becomes a memorial item. I've purchased cloth diapers and bought little outfits each time I've been pregnant, but never made it far enough to know the name of the baby I was hoping each piece was meant for (my daughter Sofia was named just three days before we lost her, so all the things I purchased was for a yet-to-be-named baby), until Julian. This was JULIAN'S blanket. He was supposed to come home from the hospital with it tucked around his little body. He was supposed to have a matching outfit. Heck, he was supposed to spit up all over this blanket! And he never will. 

I wanted to give this item a proper photoshoot, but pulling it out of storage made me feel like my stomach was in my shoes. I just didn't have the energy to be more creative with the angles, or more exacting with my editing. Still, I think you get an idea of just how pretty this blanket is. I am almost as pleased with this project as I am with my son. Even though he never got to take his first breath, I'm SO proud of him. I didn't know you could feel that way about someone who died before they could really accomplish anything, but I am. My heart swells every time I think about him. I am truly so, so proud. I made a beautiful baby. I made TWO beautiful babies, and an embryo I wish I got to see become a beautiful baby. 

I look forward to the (bittersweet) day I get to take home an infant with this blanket tucked around them. I hope they spit up all over it, because it means they're HERE. 

And I get to keep them.

-Haeley